The Urgent Call

Recently I picked up my new glasses and it’s funny how I see life differently than before. It’s actually just new frames, the glasses themselves have stayed the same. It’s funny because I clearly see how this life is framed. I clearly see Who framed Roger Rabbit and that Jessica was a booby trap. Yeah, I clearly see that now. (By the way, strange word, eh? Booby Trap. Jessica Rabbit sure embodied that one.)

So I look around with my new framed glasses and I see all the booby traps this life of superficiality has to offer. Climbing up that ladder, that TRAP, to go to “better” and “higher” places. It’s a con - which is a trap in reverse. You see that ladder and you trap yourself thinking I need to climb up there and when you’re there you are convincing yourself that this is what you wanted. Other people are convincing you that this is what you should want in life. While your spirit knows, it’s been a trap and a con all along and it’s quietly, sometimes, desperately trying to tell you that ‘no, no, this isn’t it, this isn’t it. There is something else, something else, something other you’re completely missing. You don’t need this. You don’t need this, really you don’t.’

And to quiet that little voice inside (or well to drown it out actually, it never stays quiet, it’s an insistent urgent call) you climb higher, you crave more, you dig your heels deeper into that trap and just run up to see where that endless staircase you think you need to climb will take you.  Because you think, if you reach the top, you somehow will belong. That voice will stop nagging you, that void will be filled.

But I am telling you in all honesty, that that is a trap. You’re conning yourself into thinking that somehow if you reach bigger, better, more, you’ll find peace. You’ll find stability. Because when you convince yourself that more is the way to get that, it’ll never be enough. You’ll always be climbing that endless staircase which is removing you further and further away from your truest self.

Your truest self is that quiet yet insistent voice, that keeps telling you ‘wait, wait  wait. Stop stop stop.’and it’s accompanied by pangs in the chest. Heavy pangs in the chest. Man those pangs hurt. It feels like you’re dying, pangs in the chest. It’s an urgent and insistent call to stop what you’re doing. To stop what you’re thinking. To just completely stop and stand still. It’s inviting you stand still and asking you “is this what you REALLY want?” And well, that is a confrontational question, isn’t it? And not everyone likes to be confronted like that. It’s painful, it’s ludicrous because your automatic pilot immediately says “yes of course!” and your quiet voice keeps insisting "really?". That nagging hag.

Quiet Voice: Really?

Auto Pilot: YES!

QV: Really?

AP: Yes.

QV: Really?

AP: yes

QV: Really?

AP: yes…?

QV: You sure?

AP: maybe?

QV: oh interesting, what a relief! You’re not sure.

AP: you dick, you made me doubt myself.

QV: well you should doubt any absolutes. Especially ones regarding yourself.

AP:  what the fuck does that mean? I thought that being resolute and following my ambitious drive was the way to go?

QV: yeah, but is it making you happy. Like truly? What is it that you’re trying to achieve?

AP: better, more, bigger, brighter = happiness and balance and perfection.

QV: Really?

AP: YES!

QV: Really?

AP: Yes.

QV: Really?

AP: yes

QV: Really?

AP: yes…?

QV: You sure?

AP: maybe?

QV: interesting. Follow that maybe?

And your automatic pilot just conks out here, because it’s being questioned. It’s being asked to follow that maybe, which more often than not, invites you to climb down that ladder.

And it’s confusing as fuck because you thought that if you climbed that ladder high enough you would gain more perspective. A higher perspective, that is how we see things clearly, right? But what your truest self wants is a deeper perspective, a deeper understanding of things. It wants you to be connected to something deeper, not higher.

So your truest self, your quiet yet insistent voice is asking you to descend that ladder and be at ground zero. It is asking you to ground yourself. It is asking you to find a deeper perspective, a deeper understanding of things. One that might break open the ground beneath you, and that is some scary-darey shit right there.

Questioning oneself is never a bad thing though. It takes courage to listen to that quiet yet insistent voice and trust it. When you break through the layers of doubt, and do trust it, a quiet calm will wash over you like a sigh of relief. This is what trusting yourself feels like; A steady quiet calm, in the eye of the storm.

But getting there, trusting yourself is difficult. We have to look at oneself in an honest and open way. And it asks us to love ourselves for who we are, intrinsically on ground zero, before we think or decide to do anything. Because if you don’t, the ground beneath you will break open and the higher you climb, the further you will fall when your carefully constructed sense of self isn’t working for you anymore.

This is such a painful experience. But sometimes a very necessary one to find out who we truly are and what we truly want. This way breaks open all the layers you have build up over the years and it will come crashing down on you at some point. Yeah, I agree, that doesn’t sound like a pleasant future perspective but it’s evidently so when the the Burn Out rate in our modern day society is so high. A lot of people are falling from the ladders because they are aware that their old ways of living, their carefully constructed sense of self aren’t working for them anymore. And then they either let go of the railing or find out that the staircase isn’t there anymore at all and then they plummet to ground zero. Like how you fall in your dreams. It’s sudden, scary and you wake up in bed with a jolt, all sweaty and confused and then you realized that dream you just had? That was a nightmare! Fucking hell, right?

But your quiet yet insistent voice is urging you to wake up before that happens. To stop. To stand still, to breathe, to be aware of where you are. To be aware of who you are. To be awareness itself. And to remind you, you have a choice, always, at any time, at any moment, that you can turn off your auto pilot, descend the staircase and return to ground zero before your carefully constructed self, turns your dreams into a nightmare.

Head that urgent call. It will never stop nagging. Trust your quiet yet insistent voice, take a leap of faith and perhaps you'll find a way to defy gravity.

With love and grace,

~ Cheetarah